Definitely Real. Really? (Pt. 1)

Cartman probe
You’ll Feel A Little Sting

Thinking back, I have believed some things.

Without further ado about not much, here is a short list of…

3 Things That I Have Definitely Thought Were Definitely Real But They Are Probably Almost Definitely Not Real

  1. Loch Ness Monster – I was a big fan of Nessie, a plesiosaur from dinosaur times trapped in a Scottish lake and scaring the shit out of inexplicably canoeing-in-the-dark drunken Scots and made most famous by early-20th century Photoshop and SFX enthusiasts.  Probably a mangy otter or an occasional bobbing rotting tree trunk.

  2. Grass Sharks – After seeing a little movie called Jaws, I became totally convinced that my nocturnal excursions to the outdoor lavatory were being closely monitored by a very large but well-camouflaged Great White Shark that had somehow evolved air-breathing lungs and the ability to crawl 100kms or more from the ocean over land, to lie in wait in the long grass and one day violently devour me.  I was 7.  Give me a break.

  3. Aliens in UFOs – the grey or green fly-eyed goblin-like things from other planets in shiny disc-shaped craft performing butt-probes on humans and mechanically reaming out the butts of Texan longhorn cattle.  Probably not a real thing here on this planet.  There are definitely entities from other planets flying around somewhere in amazing machines, probably, but they’re most probably doing that much much closer to their home planets, and probably almost definitely not so heavily-focused on butts.  But, I could be wrong about all of that…


Yours in disbelief,

Wick Burner


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