Why I Am A Bad Writer

Unlucky For Some. In This Case, It's Just a Number That Relates To Another Number
Unlucky For Some. In This Case, It’s Just a Poorly-Scripted Number That Relates To Another Number.

Here are 13 reasons why I’m not actually a ‘writer’ of any description:

  1. I haven’t written anything ‘worthy’, thus far
  2. I haven’t provided sexual favours to a publisher
  3. I don’t write often enough
  4. I write what I want, when I want, and am my own biggest fan
  5. I write in the form of a ‘blog’ – and nobody but bloggers take bloggers seriously.  And even then…
  6. I also write in the form of ‘tweets’ – and my tweets are at a whole other level that people just don’t understand because I am operating at a whole other level (i.e., I don’t flagrantly plagiarise and re-publish micro-blogs as my own and ride high on the attention of sycophantic re-tweeters)
  7. I wait too long to write, then discover someone else has already written something vaguely similar, and then I don’t write, because it’s all already been done
  8. I read other writings from other people and think that if they weren’t alive anymore then I could write the things that they write, but then I remember that murder is a crime and I just move on and don’t write
  9. I have a phobia of writing things that should be obvious – I shouldn’t have to, it’s obvious
  10. I don’t have a legion of sycophants stroking my super-ego and encouraging me to write
  11. I have generally ignored any praise that does happen to come my way (in a nice way; maybe ‘just not acted upon’ would be better – I love praise, but it doesn’t inspire me to do more.  That’s what money is for…)
  12. I haven’t fucked a dead pig in the mouth in the company of my peers and been subsequently initiated into a secret mutual-back-scratching society
  13. I still haven’t decided whether I should write at all, or just launch a coup against the Illuminati controllers of the world, or just join the Illuminati, or just go into self-imposed exile on a Pacific island, or become an inventor, or get myself onto the welfare gravy train, or become a ‘struggling artist’ with an expensive addiction or three – I’m just confused and refuse to commit

Yours in numbered-bullet dot-point format,

Wick Burner

4 thoughts on “Why I Am A Bad Writer

    1. Suits me down to the ground.

      I get to feel all superior after I wake up at noon, and then live high off the blood and suffering of ‘those less-deserving’…



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