Wave Turbine Syndrome Scares Everyone

A Wave Power Machine
Photographic Evidence: A Wave Power Machine About To Devour A Scuba Diver

Opposition to new wave power technology planned for deployment on Australia’s south coast has raised its furrowed brow, after the announcement that the “scary machine” had been constructed and would be installed in coming months.

A grassroots group known as ‘SeaFloor Guardians’ was hastily registered for tax evasion purposes on Monday, funded by generous donations from a consortium of coal companies.  Group spokesperson, Dr. Lara Worry, said that there needed to be at least 50 years of research into the health impacts of wave energy before they could support the project.  “We just don’t know what these machines will do.  My car started vibrating when I read the news, and I’m sure that my afternoon nap was interrupted the moment they switched this thing on.” she said.

“And think of the fish, and the little penguins!” shrieked Dr. Worry.  “My associates in medical accounting tell me that these things are real seahorse-mincers as well.  I just can’t believe that technology like this would be entertained.  My neon tetras are quivering in their tank, and I live in the desert, a thousand kilometres from this horrendous device!  They must be stopped.”

She added, “Look, we’re not opposed to renewable energy, at all.  But we really need research into the vibratory vestibular disorders already being reported by Mexican walking fish in home aquariums all over this great brown coal land.  They are leaving their tanks in droves.  Communities of salamanders are being torn asunder!”

Politicians on the conservative side of politics, currently bereft of power in the fiefdom where this machine will operate, drafted a raft of policies aimed at protecting scuba divers and cliff-top mansions from the as yet unknown effects of wave energy.

The policies included an arbitrary 21 nautical mile setback from non-mortgaged dwellings owned by Liberal Party donors, and an ‘aquatic invertebrate complaints management system’ to receive the expected influx of letters from fish and squid impacted by wave energy activities.

A Senate Committee has been established whose first order of business is to establish further revolving-door perpetual Senate Committees for at least three electoral cycles, to get to the bottom of the mounting evidence that wave energy is an evil plot by the UN to make everyone sick and hasten the demise of legitimate fossil fuel industries.

Senator Don Harrigan, appearing against his better judgement on a lefty media platform said, “Submarine electricity machines are … the space stations of the sea, and space stations should be happening in space.  I for one don’t want to have space station infra-water rippling around my ankles when I’m paddling at the beach.”

The Prime Moron of Australia could not be reached for comment, but his office released a statement saying, “Mr. abbott finds all of these white elephant jalopies to be visually awful, and seals and turtles shouldn’t be made to suffer because of the follies of science.”

Wick Burner

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