In yet another leak from the ranks of the ailing government, it was revealed that a weekend brain-storming session was convened in the Prime Moron’s Office (PMO), and that a unanimous decision was made to use asylum seekers from offshore detention centres as live bait to draw terrorists from their suburban spider-holes.
In light of recent revelations about the continued use of live baiting for the ‘blooding’ of racing dogs all around Australia, an idea was formed in the bright minds running the PMO.
Convening a secret meeting on Sunday morning, the PMO facilitated a brain-storming session to capitalise on the attention-grabbing power of rampant animal cruelty. The session was furnished with all the requisite tools, including butcher’s paper, magic markers, and a copy of SWOT Analysis For Dummies.
With professional advice from the former Immigration Minister, Scott Moronson, a way to rid Australia of its problem with non-white asylum seekers was discussed at some length. Initially, the horrendous prospect of feeding refugees to hungry greyhounds was applauded by the entire Cabinet, but was quickly dismissed when advisers reminded those present of the “power of electronic graffiti”.
It was at this point, just after a serving of chocolate-chip muffins and a rub-down from his closest aides, that tony abbott struck upon an idea. With his ground-breaking address to the nation on the issue of terrorism only hours away, abbott saw a way to use one national tragedy to eliminate another national tragedy while exposing and terminating another national tragedy.
abbott’s concept, according to unnamed sources inside the Cabinet, was to use live asylum seekers as bait for latent Australia-hating lone wolf death cult terrorist types. The concept involved transporting imprisoned asylum seekers from Christmas Island, Manus Island and Nauru, to greyhound training tracks across the breadth of the continent, disguising them as Westerners, and strapping them to moving lures in order to force dormant 1-man terror cells to expose themselves in their haste to behead the whizzing, flapping, helpless, infidels.
The concept of killing three birds with one suite of policies, and the creation of an entirely new industry built on the backs of low-paid workers, was warmly received by all present.
Reminded again of the social media backlash that might ensue if the policy was realised, abbott simply licked his lips, winked at the closest pair of breasts in the room, and called an end to the meeting.
The entire plan was scuttled later in the day when health and safety professionals deemed the idea of would-be terrorists chasing moving targets while holding knives or machetes too risky.
Your correspondent in Canberra,