Australia is to develop a fleet of tsunami generators to wreak revenge on foreign powers who ignore this great nation’s pleas for clemency, PM abbott said on Sunday.
He reminded Indonesia that Australia was “exceedingly generous and, aah, helpful” in the aftermath of the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami. He further stated that if planned executions went ahead, Australia would “certainly find ways to make our displeasure felt.”* When questioned on what those ways might be, abbott responded, with a sparkle in his eye, “those little buggers better know how to swim. If they haven’t learnt from, aah, observing my stroke, well, aah, they’ll feel that, aah, you bet you are, you bet I am.”
“I have instructed the Defence Minister, the Competitively Evaluated Kevin André, to acquire a fleet of tsunami-guns.”
This announcement was made as abbott grew increasingly and visibly frustrated at the prospect of not being listened to.
“It is, aah, and let me make this perfectly clear, aah… can someone get me some, aah, water?”, he said. abbott further stated that, “Well, see, aah, it’s perfectly OK for them to get their, aah, let me be clear, their sarongs in a twist when, aah, when they want something. These people have to know that, aah, Australia will not sit idly by while everyone in The Hague is looking at us and, aah, accusing us of double standards.”
In a statement issued minutes later, it was revealed that the Defence Minister had contracted a Japanese firm to construct the first tsunami generator off the coast of Western Australia.
“Japan is perfectly positioned, in terms of skill and honour, and a moral outlook that frowns on rampant immorality, to manufacture these diplomatic devices. And we have completed the Competitive Evaluation Process, which I will not explain any further until all the details are finalised.”, Kevin Andrews said.
Experts in the field of geo-engineering have applauded the announcement and expressed confidence in Australia’s ability to generate and direct a tsunami at whoever pisses us off the most on any given day. They also assure the public that nothing can possibly go wrong.
* – Actual Quote